Depression
Its a long post. And it’s all me waffling. If I know you irl (and I’m pretty sure there’s only two people I actually know that follow me) you definitely don’t want to read this, not that I’m expecting anyone will read this anyway. Just some stuff I need to get off my chest somehow. Ta.
I did it. Not so much by choice. I sat outside the doctors for half an hour - felt like a year - trying to control my stupid panic attacks. I was fine till I got to the actual doctors surgery, then I got proper determined I didn’t want to go today. My mum was with me though, wouldn’t let me convince her to leave, and I was too scared of making a scene to just get up and walk out. I got called by the doctor, walked down, and couldn’t even walk in the room, I was just standing there in tears. It was so crazy, and then my mum just had to drag me in and I was convinced the doctor would think I was some kind of freak. I was so scared she was going to tell me to just get over it. She didn’t, she was the loveliest doctor I’ve ever had. I barely spoke to her cause I just sat and cried straight through the appointment though. My mum explained everything that was wrong with me. 17 fucking years old and I can’t even see a doctor by myself, it’s pathetic.
So the doctor started asking me these questions, giving me a scale of one to four - one was like never and 4 was nearly everyday - based on the last two weeks. Things like how many days have you eaten/cut/thought about suicide. They were hard enough to answer, but then she started asking all these open-ended ones - like what’s stopping me doing it, was there a trigger pattern, have I ever made plans for suicide - how would I do it. I had to answer them all honestly while my mum was sat right next to me, it was so, so hard. But she was so strong for me. I love her so much.
So they’ve referred me, to what feels like everyone. A psychiatrist, who’s going to ask me a load more questions on my own. They’ve diagnosed me with severe depression for now, but think I might have some kind of personality mood disorder or something as well, similar to being bipolar. I’m not really sure I want them to slap a label on what’s wrong with me. Then I have these blood tests - I’ve never had blood taken - is it crazy that I’m as scared for that as I am for the psychiatrist? After those or in two weeks, which ever comes first, I have to go back to the doctor. She’s given me her work number, a crisis number, and told me to go up to A and E if I’m even thinking about topping myself. Said there’s a mental health team on call constantly than can evaluate me and sort it out. Mental Health. Makes it sound like I’m crazy.
Prescribed me all these anti-depressants as well, but I’m not allowed to touch them, my mum has to deal with it and give them to me so I don’t have any access to drugs to overdose on. Felt like shit when I got home, took a couple of headache tablets and went to bed. Now I can’t sleep. Got up and, though I know I shouldn’t notice, my mums taken everything sharp away. She took every pair of scissors ages ago, but now everything else’s gone too. Anything I could use to cut she’s taken and put somewhere, along with all the pills we’ve got - I cant even take paracetamol without asking her for it.
I’ve done nearly nothing, all I did was see one doctor, and it’s so hard already. I’m just hoping to god it gets better, cause if it doesn’t, I have no idea what to do. I can’t see a doctor every week or whatever if it’s this hard - if I’d gone alone today I would’ve cancelled my appointment and left. I could barely even talk when I got in there, just nod, cry, and choke out answers for a couple of questions. My mum was so much help, but I don’t want to put her through that again.
The worst part of everything is I have to go into school tomorrow, smile at everyone, and act like every thing’s just as fine as it’s always been, cause I can’t let anyone know what I’m going through. Hopefully I’ll have a high day, maybe not. Sometimes I hate life.
